Written March 22, 2013. To this day, I still feel the same.
I just… ignore this, this is just a rant on how in love I am right now.
It’s just so frustrating, you know? I don’t even know how this works and I’m crying and laughing at the same time and I make these weird shapes with my hands and my mouth’s open most of the time and there are just so many things I want to scream out but I can’t because I don’t think anyone can understand.
Love at my age, in my time, during this generation, means seeing that one person and you’re just like, “omg he/she’s the one i am in love oh god please don’t leave me” but
I’m in love with two people.
Or rather, I’m in love with two very fictional people who are just really in love with each other but they don’t show it as often as I’d want them to and I just cry at the fact that they’re not… official even in the fictional world. You have to read fanfiction and fanart – a fictional world ABOUT the fiction world – and pretend that they are really bantering, that they are really together, just lying down, talking, looking at each other, smiling, being happy.
When in reality, they’re worlds apart. When in reality – or should I say, canon!verse – they’re just… you know, there – same room, same time.
And the thing is!
I’m confused as to whether what I feel for them is just an exaggeration of what they truly are, as to whether my thoughts and beliefs about them are just completely biased…
I’m irritated at the fact that there are people there with pitchforks, people with so much indifference and I just want to scream at everyone, “DONT YOU SEE WHAT I SEE WHY CANT YOU GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME” and I just really don’t know sometimes.
I just really love the aspect of shipping, you know? I guess it has nothing to do with what’s real and what’s not. It’s the concept that you’re just really happy to see two people who are just perfect for each other and… I think that’s a really selfless act, you know? You want them to be happy – or at the very least, you want them to be together. But you don’t want them to sound too corny or anything because it just won’t give them justice!
It’s not about the writing or the art!!
Not just. I think fanfiction and shipping people are not just about training your writing/drawing skills.
It’s about wanting the best for the two people you love best. And you can’t just write that they each made the vows and had their honeymoon and had a family- no. You just can’t will yourself to do it even when that’s all you want for them. You want them to experience the fear and pain of loss, the joy of redemption, because you know this is what will strengthen them together.
You give up what you want to give the people you love what they need.
And sometimes it’s just too much – both in canon!verse and fiction!verse or any other versions of your ships – sometimes you feel your ship is in too much pain that you close your eyes to sleep and imagine caressing them and telling them “shhh the worst part is over”… The pain, the angst, the crying, the deaths… They’re all essential. You know they need it. Just as much as you need it, too.
Because as their hearts break through each death of another friend, through each problem that drives them mad, through each twist and turn that makes them scream and throw a rampage… they are there for each other. You make sure of it.
And because of this, with each pain they feel, you feel too. With each clench of their hearts, you’re there to feel it with them too, with each comforting hug, you’re there with them crying tears of happiness too. With each kiss, each touch, their shoulders sag as they feel peace and you feel peace along with them too.
Even when you don’t actually feel physical lips pressed onto yours, even when you don’t have a body grinding against yours in passion and desperation, you are there. And isn’t that just weird – witnessing the two people who have taken your mind, heart and soul, your whole life, having fornication?
But isn’t love weird too, in reality? I wouldn’t know – not that much, anyway. Who does?
The point is, I feel this feeling that other people feel for their boyfriends or girlfriends or crushes or people they admire.
It’s not just this or that.
It’s the real deal. I am here. I’m living this. And I just can’t take it and I don’t know if anyone else understands the fact that I love my OTPs differently but with the same intense passion that I have never known could exist deep inside me.
I may end up being old and wrinkly and alone forever. I may end up trying to be in a relationship with someone but it may not work out. I may grow old not having kids. My ‘soulmate’ may have died in an accident sometime somewhere – honestly, with all those people dying everyday, the chances are high.
All of that may happen. But I will never regret this.
People around me may boast about their children, their grandchildren, their husbands, wives, whatever. I may grow old and alone.
But at least I know this: I have loved with all my heart. I have loved people I know I can never be with ever and still I love them. I have loved, I have never cheated – how could I? – I have gone to Mordor and back with them. I have been with them through each sorrow, each happiness, each pleasure, and when I joined the club I didn’t know what I signed up for but it was worth it. All of it.
And I won’t trade it for some person who claims that I am beautiful or want to be his or whatever because fuck you. You can never have all of me. I’m sorry, but you’d have to share me with my two other lovers right there – and I’ll point at my laptop or at the book or at the comic or at the TV screen – and he’d just have to live with it because I’m sorry but I’ve already been attached and I don’t plan on breaking things up with us any time in the future. So it’s me and my OTPs or nothing at all.
I’ll never grow old alone because I have these people to pick me up and push me on and I’ll be rocking in a chair, typing away in my laptop in a retirement house and I’ll be cackling like an idiot and I won’t give a damn because you know what? I’ve accepted the fact that everyone, one day, will leave me. Everyone but them.
And at so young an age, there’s this insecurity that comes along with the love we’re feeling – will it last?
I won’t know.
I just know that they’ll always be there. In a way that I can never hope any person in reality can ever be. So this? This is enough for me. I’m falling, and they’re the reason but they’re there to catch me in the end because we need each other.
THIS is how much I love my OTP.