Sa bawat sinag ng araw na ang binabalik sa akin ay ambon,
Bawat oras ng bukas na magiging isang simpleng kahapon,
Sa bawat sandaling huli na ang pag-dating,
Bawat “hindi ako pwede”, “busy ako”, o ano pang sinungaling.
Kahit ako na ang maghintay,
Kahit ako nalang ang magpuyat,
Kahit ako nalang ang tumayo dito
At ikaw nalang ang lumakad palayo
Sige na, ako na ang magdudusa.
Kung ang kapalit naman pala ay ika’y hindi na mapapahamak
Kung ang kapantay naman ay ang iyong tuwa at ligaya
Kung ang kailangan mo lang ay ang aking puso at diwa,
Ok lang, mahal, sige na, ako na.
Isang pahayag na dati’y sobrang tamis
Ngunit ngayo’y sobrang laki ng hinagpis
Pinipilit na ngumiti sa bawat sandali
Kahit na mata’y pula sa hapdi
Sige na. Oo na. Ako na ang may mali.
Sa bawat imbitasyon, bawat lakad, at bawat hamon,
Bawat pagtawag ng saklolo na hindi mo naririnig
Bawat oras na sinayang sa paghintay at pagtimpi
Bawat pagkunwari para lang ika’y bumalik.
Ako ba’y naririnig na ngayon? Sige na, ako na.
Ano ba… Ako nalang palagi.
Hindi… Ok lang.
Ok nga lang ba?
Your cousins, sisters, brothers all outshine you
Eros, Agape, Filia, Storge, just to name a few
But out of all the people in your family
Only you have ever left an impression on me; you see,
No language in the world does justice to your name
No culture that romanticizes the warmth of your flames
Oh, am I the only one that yearns for your existence,
The only one overpowered by your silent presence?
Thank you for taking care of me when no one else did
Chanced meetings in dark places, how ironic, isn’t it?
How much I crave you when you’re away,
And yet, underestimate you whenever you stay.
Why not seek glory and fame like the others?
Yet, I’m thankful, for your humility has pushed me farther
It is selfish of me to have you to myself, but am I
To be blamed when all else has seen you, and without a pause, simply passed by?
But oh, you have taught me what love meant, and
It was giving what you have without bargaining for your end
I want to have you as mine, to close all our distance
Such sentiments will defeat your purpose, an insult to your existence
And so – an open letter
For the curious, the wounded, those who yearn to feel better
For those who still look for solace in their own embrace
For those whose shadows save them from grace
I feel your soothing words of “I’m right here for you” the most
just as when I’m crying myself to sleep at night
in pitch black darkness
where none can see
the effect of your absence
where only i can feel
the emptiness of your words
Don’t you dare associate heartbreak with socio-political traumas
On top of the reasons why, is that theirs ended with a period; yours, a comma
Never think that your tears over a lover is the same grief victims feel
Opposition led the powerful to send Death to many; your sad songs
Tell about a boy or girl you losed; how can you still
Fall in love with the idea of not remembering? I refuse to think
Only the ones who were wounded would remember the scars; that
Rage will only beget those near the fire, and never those who were afar
God rightfully gave us life, even if this religion was forced upon us by a separate enemy
Even if both a heartbreak and a death are both graced with loss, one was simply a mistake;
The other, a tragedy; we forget what’s at stake –
Made a promise to the future children never to beat them with the same stick that harmed us
Apathy: the one emotion you learn after heartbreak; the one thing you get if you don’t get scarred
Rage beget by those near the fire, are now burning those who are afar
To wound them, to hurt them, to make them feel what they were feeling, this…
Instead of aiming the flames to the ones who held the match, we hiss at
Anyone ignorant, for we’d rather burn whole forests than the one stick that was first lit
Learn from the past, both for heartbreak and traumas, but don’t you dare forget it
Let scars be shown
What has happened has happened.
I love the dimples in your smile
The tiny wrinkles of your eyes
The way you frown while grinning
when explaining something amazing that frustrates you
I love how childish you can be sometimes
How your laugh bubbles from your chest
How you never take your eyes off mine
when explaining something I love more than you
But out of all the things I love about you
Do I love you?
To be frank with you, I am deeply afraid.
I want to always say a big hearty YES whenever you ask me “Hey, are you free today?”. I want to always say “sure” whenever you timidly ask “Do you have time? I need someone to talk to”, even if you send the text way before the sun has risen, and I had a final exam to prepare for in the morning. I want my presence to assure you that I will always be there for you. I want to make sure you never hesitate coming to me for help. I want to be the first person you will approach when things go south.
I want to.
But college is selfish. It is stealing every free time I have faster than a dashing young man can steal my fragile heart. It is demanding, and challenging, and needs all of my senses focused on it every hour of the day.
And I am sorry.
You were there to catch me while I was falling to my demise, and I landed into your arms – unscathed and whole. Now, my “sorry I’m busy” breaks you into a million pieces, leaving you to fix yourself up on your own.
I want you to know that every single time I have told you “no”, “sorry I can’t”, “I have homework to do”, “next time”, it chips off a part of me that you have patched up last year. I no longer have the proof of your salvation in my skin. It is as if you had never been there to save me at all.
And I want you to know that I am trying. That my phone will always be there and you can always call me – I will always try to call back. My free time now consists of midnights laying dead tired on the bed, but I can always listen to you chatter away. I will be thankful you still trust me as your confidante.
My love and concern for you is not dependent on how often I see you.
If I have ever disappointed you with my absence, I am sorry. I know that no amount of apologies can reclaim a friendship we’ve cherished so fondly just a year ago, but I know not what else to do. Nothing else, but to write you this letter. And hope that you understand.
Trust that I will come back.
And I shall trust that you will not leave.