My way of coping

Written April 17, 2013. To this day, I still think this way.

I feel like there’s only one reason why I’m alive


And one reason alone. It’s not to create art, it’s not to leave something behind. It’s to save a life.


Everyday, I live off by this one thought, “One day, someone’s life is going to dependent on mine.”


Some mighty deity has created my story – a story of how, years from now, if I hadn’t been there, an innocent person could never have survived. I’m going to save a life. I’m going to die doing it, or maybe die trying, I don’t care. Because it’d be worth it.


This is what keeps me going every uneventful day. This thought is on my mind as I eat three times a day, as I read, as I watch, as I wait. This is what keeps me from harming myself. This is what keeps me going.


The thought that one day, I’ll be on the side of a busy road in a busy city, waiting to cross to the other side, and a little girl will be walking earlier than anyone else, and she’s going to be hit by a car, and I will be there to stop it from happening. I’ll be hit instead and in exchange, the little girl will be safe. They’ll send me to a hospital but it’ll be too late. It will be worth it, all this trouble to stay alive.


Everyday, I think to myself, “If you die now, who’s going to save that little girl? Who’s going to be there at that time and place where you’re going to be needed?”


See, that’s the thing about us – humans, people, humanity itself. We feel a need to be needed. This is just my way of coping. 


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